Iris Myandowski loves eating lunch by herself

Dear Adoring Fans,

I never expected to be the most popular girl. People are naturally jealous of my considerable talent. But at the very least I have always expected to have a small circle of loyal admirers. So it’s come as a shock to me that I find myself day after day eating lunch by myself during my break at Arby’s. When I first started I thought I’d found a pal in Amy, the 25 year old drive through check out girl. She’s friendly and bubbly. However, after I criticised her tattoo she no longer gives me anything other than cold blank stares. I once asked Sally Fenchurch if she wanted to have lunch with me, but she spent the entire break talking on her cell phone with her boyfriend Chip. Damini spends every break reading her O magazine. So there aren’t any girls I can have lunch with.

Now, I have a confession to make and I feel shy about writing this on something so public as a blog but… I have a crush on one of my co-workers. His name is Delroy. He’s just graduated from high school, but his family doesn’t have enough money to send him to college yet. I know what you are thinking… has Iris Myandowski turned into a cougar chasing after a hot young thing like Delroy. Well, my darlings I can’t help it! He does this incredibly cute thing of pouting his lips as he pulls French fries out of frialators. And every time my boss tells him he should be mopping the floor rather than standing around he says in a really exaggerated fake black southern accent “Yessum Mista.” His can’t-be-bothered attitude totally charms me.
Alas, the one time I built up the courage to ask Delroy if he’d like to have lunch with me he made that incredibly painful exasperated face which I’d previously found so charming and said he had other plans. While he and a few of the other burger guys went on their break I heard them all snickering. So I sit down to eat my roast beef cheese smothered sandwich and curly fries alone. Reading the free Arby’s nutritional information leaflet is my only company.

Yours and forever,

Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves New Years with the gays

Dear Adoring Fans,

My invitation to Bette Midler’s NYE party seems to have got lost in the mail. So I invited three young Latino gay men who used to work at Arby’s with me over to watch the ball drop. I laid out a beautiful spread for us to enjoy – all the best frozen canapés I could buy. By the time they arrived at 11pm I’d already drunk my way through a whole bottle of champagne and ate a dozen crab rolls. They plonked themselves on my couch and looked disdainfully at my spread of food. “We don’t eat carbs after 7PM,” they informed me. During the time they worked with me at Arby’s, I swear I’d seen them shove curly fries in their faces when we worked the night shift together and no one was looking.

I talked merrily about my plans for my big comeback tour in the new year, but the selfish little men simpered, rolled their eyes at me and watched all the news coverage showing cities in the world who saw the new year before us while bitching about the clothes of everyone on the screen. I tried to practice my routine for them although it was awkward in my silk and silvery new year’s dress. I kept tumbling over and crashed into my coffee table splitting it in half which sent the gays into a hysterical fit of laughter. When the ball finally dropped, they kissed each other and got up to leave saying they were going to party at some club named Circus. They took my remaining bottles of champagne with them. I stayed up for another few hours by myself eating the rest of the pork balls and devouring several packs of Reese’s peanut butter cups.

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves buying as much candy as she wants

Dear Adoring Fans,

Yesterday, my insane Arby’s manager spent an hour complaining to me about how he doesn’t have time to do everything he has to do: train me further, supervise me, write an evaluation about me. Rather than doing any of these things or running the restaurant, he ranted and raved while I made roast beef sandwich after roast beef sandwich. By the time it got to my twenty minute lunchbreak I was nearly in tears.
I went to the nearby RiteAid to pick out a candy bar (actually six candy bars). Standing in front of all the candy was a child looking at all the butterfingers and lollipops with such longing. His mother angrily refused him any candy. Meanwhile, I loaded my basket with chocolate bar after chocolate bar. Kit Kats, Hershey bars, Baby Ruths, Junion Mints, Mars bars. Walking past the little boy who was in tears I laughed at him. I may work for a miserable man, but at least I’ve earned this as an adult: the right to get as much candy as I want!

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves white people looking awkward

Dear Adoring Fans,

I was waiting for my bus to get to work at Arby’s this morning. A small white woman reading the new Stephen King book and listening to her ipod stood just outside the bus shelter as I was taking up most of the bench while eating my second scrambled eggs and bacon bagel. A black homeless man wandered down the street towards us. He stopped beside her and started to mumble incoherently. The woman looked uncomfortable but pulled her white earplug out and said, “Excuse me can you repeat that?” The man mumbled incoherently again. Her cheeks colored pink. She looked around, but I was the only other one there and she seemed not to think the fat woman in the Arby’s uniform staring curiously at her could help.

The man gestured wildly while spluttering and mumbling. He smelled like old poop. The white woman looked frightened. But I could tell she didn’t want to be nasty to him or just leave because that would be like admitting she is a privileged white woman who doesn’t care about a black homeless man. The man gruphed and harrumphed and coughed. She looked down at her Stephen King, but that only seemed to irritate him further. “I’m sorry. I don’t have any change,” she said. The man scratched his crotch and the bus pulled up. The white woman said to the man "Happy Thanksgiving." She and I both got on the bus. The woman went to the back of the bus scratching her face looking very perturbed. The homeless man continued on down the sidewalk.

I didn’t think to intervene because as Ronald Reagan said, “What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice.”

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves making crying girls in wheelchairs feel better

Dear Adoring Fans,

My rehearsals Wednesday night went terrible. As I tried to lift myself up on my hands, my wrists felt like they were cracking beneath me and I kept toppling to the floor. My instructor (who I pay $10 an hour! and who I can barely afford) got frustrated and belligerent. It was awful. I finished half an hour early and ate three double cheeseburgers at the Burger King next to the studio.

Yesterday morning I was walking through the rain to my bus stop and when I got there I saw a girl in a wheelchair with a tissue scrunched up under her nose. Tears poured from her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she replied she had lost faith in everything. I was going to be a little early for work at Arby’s so I asked if I could buy her a hot chocolate at a Starbucks only one block away. She took me up on my offer. My fans, have you ever had the hazelnut hot chocolate from Starbucks? It is a glorious thing.

I had a vente size (that means 20 in Italian) and the wheelchair girl had a tall. I also got us three marshmallow kebabs to chew on. We talked about American Idol and laughed and the wheelchair girl was very cheery afterwards. I went to work at Arby’s feeling cheered, but I had lost track of time and was 20 minutes late. My mentally ill boss shouted and ordered me to change all the soda syrup cartons in back. This is a messy job and when I was finished my hands and the front of my Arby’s shirt were covered in grimy sugary liquid. I spent my break in the bathroom crying.

Despite it all, I still have faith. This is because I've made the choice to be free from absolute sorrow. As Dwight D. Eisenhower said "Only our individual faith in freedom can keep us free. "

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves LadyGaga Outfits

Dear Adoring Fans,

This year I’ve been following the rise of new musical star LadyGaga. Now that’s she’s collaborated with Wale and Beyonce I’m waiting for the phone call where she’s looking to work with your hand walking queer.

Here are some favourite Lady Gaga dresses, costumes, uniforms, pieces of old toys of mine…

#1

Accepting her moonman on stage, LadyGaga creates an air of mystery with her crown mask while at the same time revealing skin to the drooling masses. Simply stunning.

#2

Sex sells. LadyGaga appears to be fully naked but she's not! A brilliant idea to get everyone looking and making yourself into a real live Barbie doll.

#3
China is so ladylike. Here LadyGaga gets it so right.

#4
Feminine. Tactile. Adorable. LadyGaga triumphs on her throne with her Hello Kitty outfit.

#5

This stunning LadyGaga outfit is very ladylike, but also edgy and daring. Completely what a popstar needs to be.

#6

Unusually subdued outfit, but appropriate for the occassion. LadyGaga condemns the gay masses marching on Washington. She explains from the podium why their sinful behavior is wrong.

#7

When sitting next to Beyonce, you need to do something to get yourself noticed. What a brilliant way to frame your face, LadyGaga! Steal that spotlight.

#8

Gaga pushes the nude look again to get noticed, but this time with bubbles. Utterly brilliant LadyGaga outfit!

#9

LadyGaga creates an air of mystery again with a masked outfit while becoming the creature that is the Fame Monster.

#10

LadyGaga knows what it's like to be green. Her Kermit-encrusted outfit here shines. What a star!

Now, what should I wear to appear alongside Gaga in my comeback tour? Is the fashion world ready to accept a star in an Arby's uniform?

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves the smell of fried potatoes and bacon

Dear Adoring Fans,

I was walking down the street on my break from working a double shift at Arby’s and I caught the smell of fried potatoes and bacon from somewhere. The scent jolted me to a stop and a huge wave of memories came crashing through my mind, my father standing at the stove making me breakfast in the morning: heaps of crispy golden fried potatoes, crispy bacon, eggs over easy and waffles topped with cream and fruit. It was a weekend treat for me on weeks when I wasn't performing.

It all tasted so good lovingly prepared by my father who walked out on my mother a few years later. I never saw him again and don’t know where he is now. I stood there in the street crying not knowing why I should miss a man as crooked as Nixon.

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)