Iris Myandowski loves working for a mentally ill boss

Dear Adoring Fans,

Times being what they are a month ago I accepted a job at the local Arby’s. I know this is not the most glamorous step given my entertainment history. But artists like me need to pay the bills and get by in between gigs.

One of the best perks for working for Arby’s (aside from the many free BBQ Bacon Cheddar Roastburgers and loaded potato bites I eat) is working for Roger, my mentally ill boss. It hasn’t been confirmed that he is actually insane. However, he seems to spend most of the day behind his manager’s desk mumbling incoherently to himself, attempting to fix the dysfunctional drive through speaker system or walking around and around the restaurant in a stupor. There is the odd occasion when he sets upon a hapless employee shouting at them to sell larger orders of curly fries.

I wonder if someday he'll run for office, as the above description seems suitable to many of our political leaders. As Dwight D. Eisenhower said, "Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy."

But most of the time he leaves us blissfully alone. I have lots of time to slip into the back storage room to practice walking on my hands over boxes of soda syrup.

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves entertainers in masks

Dear Adoring Fans,

Wearing masks creates an air of mystery. The public love this. Take Michael Jackson. Take Lady GaGa's recent Malta press interview. Perhaps I should wear a mask in my upcoming comeback tour. Everyone will wonder. What is Iris Myandowski hiding? What is her real face?



For the record, I am also inspired by moonlight. LadyGaGa and I are so alike. Perhaps a collaboration is in order?

Yours and forever,

Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves America’s Got Talent

Dear Adoring Fans,

Yes, we do have talent America! Gallons of it. My dearest dream is to have Eli Mattson on piano as I walk on my hands in my come back tour. I can’t think of a better man to accompany me. Yes, Eli rose from nothing just as your hand walking queer did. This is what we’re good at America! Turning ourselves upside down and walking without anyone’s help.

If anyone knows how to get in touch with Eli please let me know.

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves men who dance alone in public

Dear Adoring Fans,

A friend of a friend set me up on a date last night, but the prospective man didn’t appear and your hand walking queer was left on her own to pay for the five glasses of wine she nursed while watching the door. Sitting at the bus stop (my car has broke down again) I was eating my way through a box of a dozen Krispy Kremes when I saw a man approach listening to his ipod and feeling the music.
He stood there shaking his behind and mouthing the words. It felt beautiful to me that he could be so enthralled in his own little world bumping along to his own beat, nearly oblivious of all around him. It lifted my spirits as I made my way home to have my diet milkshake for dinner all alone.

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves dashing novelist Christopher Rice

Dear Adoring Fans,

My future husband all-American man Christopher Rice has posted a letter on the Lambda website about the site’s long-coming revamp. Well, when Christopher Rice asks Iris Myandowski to have a sneak peek, she can’t resist opening his trousers for a little sniff. Let me tell you my darling fans, I love the look of it. It looks very user-friendly even for an old broad like me, with lots of ways to interact. It even looks good upside down!

My only question to Christopher is why does Lambda have to be about gay books? Christopher, when will you stop this farce about your sexuality and come home to your loving Iris Myandowski? I understand what your going through. My third husband Francesco Bellini thought he was a homosexual as well. But after he made love to Iris Myandowski upside down he never went back. Think of what a spectacular American couple we’d make, fit enough for the White House. Yesterday, when standing on my head for George Bush Jr. I showed him your picture and he agreed that you and I could be on the next presidential ticket as the Republican nominated candidates. Please Christopher Rice, let me be your one and only hand walking queer!

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves hotdogs

Dear Adoring Fans,

Happy Independence Day!

I have had twelve hotdogs, six cobs of corn and a bucket of Boston Baked Beans. I love hotdogs! What is more American than a hotdog?

I’m now standing on my hands watching the multi-colored explosions in the Californian sky.

God bless America!

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski is back!

Dear Adoring Fans,

I have missed you all! It’s been forty years since I’ve performed my patriotic hand walking tribute to America and I’m delighted to update you that I’ve been rehearsing for my great comeback. Yes, Iris Myandowski will walk on her hands again! Times have been hard and I became side-tracked from my true calling. I must admit, C.C. Bloom’s comments and her allegations that I am a “hand walking queer” did hurt. Well, where is that bitch now, eh? Drunk on Miami beach, estranged from her adopted daughter and bald after so much bleach. Time is the great vindicator, my adoring fans. This is what Nixon taught us. Scorned and vilified, he’s now the prime character in an Oscar-nominated film and celebrated stage play.

Iris Myandowski, American Sweetheart/Handwalking queer

I have been rehearsing hard and standing on my hands all day. In fact, I am typing these words to you now while upside down. It’s no easy feat!

So please join me here in the blogsphere to read my thoughts, memories and secret longings. Most of all, let this be a forum where we can celebrate this great country of ours!

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)