Iris Myandowski loves intimate moments with herself

Dear Adoring Fans,

Life is hard. Work is long. Pleasure is short.

Yesterday I had a 6AM to 8PM shift at Arby’s followed by a two hour rehearsal with my trainer Rick Swanson. Rick has trained some of the most famous handwalkers working today like Sissy Lightleather and Kimberly Wishaw. I respect his talent as a pioneer of the trade but he has a habit of smoking tomtom cigars. While walking on my hands up a black staircase I kept choking on his fumes and toppling over. Dragging my exhausted carcass home you can understand I needed some light relief.

Flopping down on my bare mattress (the maid stole my bedsheets) I found I couldn’t get up again. I was hungry but also in need of some two-fingered relief. Luckily by my bedside there was a jar of Planters Peanuts. I tipped the jar back emptying the contents down my throat and enjoying the dry-roasted salt sliding against my tongue on its way down. I don’t know what happened to my Channing Tatum fan mag so I didn’t have anything to visually stimulate me as I dug into the mouse hole. So I stared into Mr Peanut’s midnight dark eyes while riding the waves of jelly pleasure. It goes to show you how resourceful a working girl can be when she’s in a jam.
I’m not ashamed about openly discussing female masturbation. It’s natural. 2011. Get over it.

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves being special

Dear Adoring Fans,

Being American, I know that I am special. That’s the great thing about being raised in this beautiful country. We are all raised with the understanding that we are special. Now that the world population is tipping over to seven billion I have to stop and marvel thinking there are seven billion individually special people in this world. Yes, I know special also means retard. I’m not talking about billions of tards. And yes, some are more special than others. Not everyone was born with my talent. But they are all special – in their own way.

I’ve been thinking about this because I had an argument with Stephanie who works at the Arby’s drive-thru. Hearing the news about the population reaching such a scale she grimaced and said she was heading straight down to the abortion clinic (she’s two months pregnant). She said the world is filling up and she knows the future must mean misery for any child born today that will have to one day live in a world crammed with fifteen billion people. I told her, “No Stephanie! There is a special little life growing inside you. You must keep it!” She turned to me flicking her nasty dyed bangs and said, “Get real Iris! Nobody around here is special. Everyone just likes to think that. But how can you call me or you special when we’re stuck working in Arby’s.” I told her she was wrong. I have ambition. I will make my come back. The world will see I’m special.


Well, dear readers, I had to take a few moments to go to the ladies room and cry at her nasty words. Of course my boss cussed me out when I returned five minutes later having taken the unscheduled break. I can’t stop believing that I’m special – that we all are. Some of us just don’t have the ambition to realize our special potential. Rest assured I have that drive. As president James A. Garfield said, “A pound of pluck is wroth a ton of luck.” I do have pluck. And I’m going to make it. You’ll see Stephanie. I’ll make you see.

Yours and forever,

Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski Loves Being Exposed All Over the Net

Dear Adoring Fans,

It seems like every time I turn on my computer there are new security features to be downloaded, new privacy settings, new passwords required, new versions of secure software to be installed. You know what? I don't care who knows my business. That's right, the internet can take all my life and put it out there for anyone to look at for all I care.

I have nothing to hide and no money so there isn't a lot that can be stolen from me. So go ahead and read what you want, peruse my deepest thoughts and secret longings. Plaster my pictures over every inch of the web so 12 year old boys in Indonesia can gratify themselves staring at my beautiful image. Take it all.

Security systems be damned. Privacy, who cares?

Yours and forever,

Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)