Iris Myandowski loves eating lunch by herself

Dear Adoring Fans,

I never expected to be the most popular girl. People are naturally jealous of my considerable talent. But at the very least I have always expected to have a small circle of loyal admirers. So it’s come as a shock to me that I find myself day after day eating lunch by myself during my break at Arby’s. When I first started I thought I’d found a pal in Amy, the 25 year old drive through check out girl. She’s friendly and bubbly. However, after I criticised her tattoo she no longer gives me anything other than cold blank stares. I once asked Sally Fenchurch if she wanted to have lunch with me, but she spent the entire break talking on her cell phone with her boyfriend Chip. Damini spends every break reading her O magazine. So there aren’t any girls I can have lunch with.

Now, I have a confession to make and I feel shy about writing this on something so public as a blog but… I have a crush on one of my co-workers. His name is Delroy. He’s just graduated from high school, but his family doesn’t have enough money to send him to college yet. I know what you are thinking… has Iris Myandowski turned into a cougar chasing after a hot young thing like Delroy. Well, my darlings I can’t help it! He does this incredibly cute thing of pouting his lips as he pulls French fries out of frialators. And every time my boss tells him he should be mopping the floor rather than standing around he says in a really exaggerated fake black southern accent “Yessum Mista.” His can’t-be-bothered attitude totally charms me.
Alas, the one time I built up the courage to ask Delroy if he’d like to have lunch with me he made that incredibly painful exasperated face which I’d previously found so charming and said he had other plans. While he and a few of the other burger guys went on their break I heard them all snickering. So I sit down to eat my roast beef cheese smothered sandwich and curly fries alone. Reading the free Arby’s nutritional information leaflet is my only company.

Yours and forever,

Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)

Iris Myandowski loves New Years with the gays

Dear Adoring Fans,

My invitation to Bette Midler’s NYE party seems to have got lost in the mail. So I invited three young Latino gay men who used to work at Arby’s with me over to watch the ball drop. I laid out a beautiful spread for us to enjoy – all the best frozen canapés I could buy. By the time they arrived at 11pm I’d already drunk my way through a whole bottle of champagne and ate a dozen crab rolls. They plonked themselves on my couch and looked disdainfully at my spread of food. “We don’t eat carbs after 7PM,” they informed me. During the time they worked with me at Arby’s, I swear I’d seen them shove curly fries in their faces when we worked the night shift together and no one was looking.

I talked merrily about my plans for my big comeback tour in the new year, but the selfish little men simpered, rolled their eyes at me and watched all the news coverage showing cities in the world who saw the new year before us while bitching about the clothes of everyone on the screen. I tried to practice my routine for them although it was awkward in my silk and silvery new year’s dress. I kept tumbling over and crashed into my coffee table splitting it in half which sent the gays into a hysterical fit of laughter. When the ball finally dropped, they kissed each other and got up to leave saying they were going to party at some club named Circus. They took my remaining bottles of champagne with them. I stayed up for another few hours by myself eating the rest of the pork balls and devouring several packs of Reese’s peanut butter cups.

Yours and forever,
Iris Myandowski (The hand walking queer)